Ang mga sumusunod ay mga jokes na napulot ko sa mga kainuman ko sa kanto, sa mga dyaryong pambalot ng tinapa, sa text, sa net, at sa lahat lahat na ang tanging layunin ay iisa: ang mapasaya kayong lahat. Pasensya na if pang 18+ ung iba ha? Hindi nangangahulugan na naughty ako o bastos o horny ha? Basta gusto ko lang kayo mapatawa at ng mabawas-bawasan man lang kahit pansumandali ang ating mga problema.
Four surgeons were discussing their work:
Surgeon 1: I think accountants are the easiest to operate on, everything inside them is numbered.
Surgeon 2: librarians are the easiest. When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.
Surgeon 3: I prefer to operate electricians. Their organs are color coded.
Surgeon 4: you’re all wrong, politicians are the easiest. They are heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.
Friend: ano ba hanap mo dyan sa supot ng coffee at kanina ka pa silip ng silip jan?
Lady: Father, you’re very cute. Why did you become a priest?
Priest: Because my mother didn’t want me to become a nun. Dios ko day!
Nahipo ng isang guy ang legs ng 1 girl sa sinehan.
Girl: Psalm 127
Guy: Sorry!
Pag-uwi hinanap sa bible ang Psalm 127
Go higher and find glory…
Guy: Shit! Sayang!
If cinderella’s glass slippers perfectly fit, why did it fall off along the way? Maybe that was done on purpose. To attract the prince. In short, MALANDI siya!
Anak: inay, me regla na po ako, penge napkin.
Inay: Sige magnapkin ka para tagain ko yang bayag mo at tuluyan kang duguin. Animal kang bakla ka!
Ester: Mare, kulang pa kami ng 1 miyembro sa paluwagan, baka gusto mong sumali?
Linda: Mare, hindi pwede
Ester: Bakit?
Linda: Virgin pa kasi ako eh.
Boy: ‘Nay, muntik na akong maging top 1 sa klase!
Nanay: Talaga, anak?
Boy: inannounce yung top 1 sa klase…. Ang tinuro ni mam yung katabi ko! Sayang! Muntik na ako eh.
Wife: Honey sex tayo!
Husband: Ayoko, meron ka!
Wife: eh ano naman problema doon?
Husband: May dugo eh.
Wife: Punyeta! Ano yang titi mo? Iglesya?
FVR: Erap, may gift ako sa yo. Galing
Erap: Ows? Niloloko mo lang ako, di ako ganun
Bf: May asawa napo ako!
Ama: Paano to?
Bf: Areglo na lang po, P2M pag boy, P2.5M pag girl.
Ama: OK, pero pag nakunan now, give her another chance ha?
Sir: Siyempre ikaw!
Yaya: Hay! Nalilito na talaga ako. Sabi naman ng driver natin si ma’am daw eh.
Pepe: Bilib ako sa pamilya nyo! Ang hilig nyo kumanta pag nasa loob ng banyo!
Jose: Kailangan ko pre!
Pepe: Aba’y bakit naman?
Jose: Walang lock banyo naming eh.
Sa mall….
Mom: Anak, wag kang bibitaw sa palda ko, para di ka mawala.
Anak: Opo!
2 hours later…
Mom: guard! May nakita ba kayong batang may dalang palda?
Dami pala blessings pag matanda!
May SILVER sa buhok, GOLD sa ngipin, STONES sa kidney, SUGAR sa dugo, OIL sa mukha at GAS sa tiyan! Grabe! You are so blessed! He he
Marcos: Nung baby ako, gatas ko LACTUM!
Cory: Ako, ENFALAC, Mahal yun!
Ramos: ako, LACTOGEN, kaya matalino ako!
Erap: ….Ako?.... ah ako yata eh.. lac…LACTACYD!
Dracula asked God “can you please reincarnate me into a white angel with wings but still suck blood?” God said “OK” and turned him into a SANITARY NAPKIN with WINGS!
When the clerk of court read the case against him, the accused shouted: “Tang ina nyo lahat! Wag kayo magbintang, isa lang ang nirape ko, bakit PEOPLE OF THE PHILIPPINES na ngayon?
I gave your number to my Chinese friends so you can share your green jokes to Mr. Oh Tung Kho, Ms. Po Kee Co, Mr. Kang Tu Tan, Ms. Chu Pah Mu Sia, Mr. Lee Buh Gan….
Pag tubig tumigas – YELO…
Pag pawis tumigas – LIBAG…
Pag sipon tumigas – KULANGOT…
Pag luha tumigas – MUTA…
Pag titi tumigas – TAKBO…
IYOT na yan…
An arab was interviewed at
Arab: Abdul Asiz
Arab: Six times a week.
Arab: Doesn’t matter. Sometimes even camel.
Arab: Yes, cows and goats, too.
Arab: Hostile, dogstyle, any style.
Arab: No deer. They run very fast!
4 miracles of a woman
a. getting wet without taking a shower
b. bleeding without getting hurt
c. giving milk without eating grass
d. making boneless flesh hard
What is the most sensitive part of the body while having sex?
Answer: Ears… because it can easily hear footsteps coming.
Research: Men are healthier than women because men get fresh milk, 2 papayas and a juicy oyster every night, but women only get 1 banana, 2 meatballs and a teaspoon of yogurt.
In New York, Mike Arroyo asked a prosti. How much?
Prosti: 100 dollars
Mike: That's too much! How about 10 dollars?
Prosti: No way
(the next day, Prosti saw Mike with GMA)
Prosti: See what you got for 10 dollars!
Daddy: Anak, ibili mo ako ng softdrinks.
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Daddy: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular?
Daddy: Regular
Anak: Bote o in Can?
Daddy: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o litro?
Daddy: Punyeta! Tubig na lang!
Anak: Mineral o Natural?
Daddy: Mineral
Anak: Malamig o Hindi?
Daddy: Tangna, hampasin kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tinting?
Daddy: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o Baboy?
At umatungal ng ngawa si Daddy sa sobrang kakulitan ng anak nya. he he
What is the difference among girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8, you take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18, you tell her a story and takes her to bed. At 28, you dont need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38, she tells a story and takes you to bed. At 48, you tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68, if you take her to bed, that will be a story.
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Student: Awa po ako eh.
Teacher: Bakit?
Student: Kasi po, i heard ate's bf while inside the bedroom said... baby i'll gonna eat your PUSSY! he he
Man marries a deaf girl. He says - We must work out a code: If i want sex i'll stroke your left breast. You reply by pulling my penis once for YES or 100 times for NO. Ok?
How to satisfy a woman?
Care, excite, fascinate, spoil, kiss, touch, tease, pamper, console, adore, respect and love.
How to satisfy a man?
Wala! SEX lang talaga!
What's the best and worst news a man might hear at the same time?
It's when your GF says:
Ikaw talaga ang may pinakamalaking etits sa lahat ng mga kabarkada mo! ha ha!
Pare 1: Pre bakit tulala ka?
Pare 2: Ang asawa ko kasi pre, naghire ng driver eh. GWAPO, BATA, MACHO.
Pare 1: Selos ka?
Pare 2: Hindi naman. Nagulat lang ako. Wala kasi kaming sasakyan eh! huhuhuhu
New version ng Bahay Kubo.... 123 sing:
Bahay bata, kahit munti, ang pumasok doon ay ari-ari, bulitas at talong, sinipilyo ang mani, hikaw naiwan sa kiki!
Love story ng pokpok at adik.
Adik: Will you marry me?
Pokpok: Oo, pero ok lang ba sa 'yo kahit meron akong PAST?
Adik: Oo, Ok lang! Wala naman akong FUTURE eh! he he
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