Erap: (crying) doc called, Mom's dead.Zamora: condolence, sir.(after 2 minutes Erap cries even louder)Zamora: what now?Erap: my sister just called, her mom died too!
LOI: Regalo ko sa 'yo para sa ating anniversary, isang bagongcellphone.ERAP: Wow! Ang ganda!Namamasyal si Erap sa Greenhills, biglang nag-ring ang cellphone:LOI: Kamusta na Honey ang bago mong cellphone?ERAP: Mahusay! Ayos lang ang liit niya at napakalinaw ng datingng boses! Kaya lang mayroon akong gustong malaman.LOI: Ano yon?ERAP: Pa'no mo nalamang nasa Greenhills ako? :D
STANLEY HO: Mr. President, please accept this Mercedes Benz assign of my appreciation to you.ERAP: Sorry, I don't accept bribes.SH: I'll just sell it to you for P100.ERAP: Okay, I'll get two!
JACKIE( in labor) : DAD manganganak na yata ako.ERAP: Driver, itigil mo sa JOLLIBEE.LOI; MANGANGANAK NA NGA, JOLLIBEE KA PA.ERAP; DI BA 'FREE DELIVERY SA JOLLIBEE'?
Erap bumili ng AM radio. It took him a month to realize he couldplay it at night.
CABINET MEMBER: MR. PRES. OUR POPULATION GROWTH RATE ISALARMING. THERE IS ONE WOMAN GIVING BIRTH EVERY MINUTE.ERAP: WE HAVE TO STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY. LOOK FOR THAT WOMAN
Upon arriving in Mactan International Airport:REPORTER: Sir, may we ask how is our economy doing?ERAP: Bah malay ko! Sa business class ako naka-upo eh!
Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon.Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.Doc: Tange! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.
SHOWBIZ FUNNIES1. Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata angpinakamaligaya kong pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyonglahat.* MELANIE MARQUEZ'SACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS INA METRO FILMFEST
2. Successful naman ang libing ng nanay ko.*BABETTE VILLARUEL
3. "Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali!Mabait kasi ako eh"*MR. POGI CONTESTANT'S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION: ANO SA MUKHA MOANG PINAKA-ASSET MO?
4. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma. RosarioLiboon, I come from the beautiful city of Pangasinan...City!*SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OF CONTESTANTS
5. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am CarmelitaHernandez, I come from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine!*ANOTHER SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OFCONTESTANTS
6. BOY A: O Melanie, do you have any message to yourmother-in-law incase nanonood siya ngayon!MELANIE: You know what Kuya Boy, I have to speak in English causeshe cannot understand Tagalog. "You know what Mrs. Dee...I'velong been wanting to tell you this... Ang labo mo!"
7. OVERHEARD FROM A GIRL NA GALIT SA KARARATING NA BOYFRIEND SASTARBUCKS.GIRL: My God you're so late. Where did you...Where have you...Where do you...saan ka ba galing???
8. HOST: WHICH DO YOU PREFER: BLONDE OR DUMB?GIRL: DUMB NA LANG AT LEAST HINDI AKO MAPAGKAKAMALANG BLONDE!
9. DESSA AFTER SINGING A SPOT NUMBER IN A REGINE VELASQUEZCONCERT. DESSA APPARENTLY SANG A VERY VOCALLY CHALLENGING SONGAND AS EXPECTED,ENDED IT WITH A THROAT BREAKING NOTE.REGINE ENTERS.DESSA: O kala mo ikaw lang ang mataas ang boses. Kaya mo yun?REGINE: Eh ano ngayon, maganda ka ba?
10. SABRINA M. MAKES TARAY TO OSANG IN A TALK SHOW.SABRINA M: At least hindi naman ako katulad ng iba diyan naretokado ang boobs.OSANG: Hoy Sabrina, oo nga itong boobs ko retokado. Pero at leastang ngipin ko hindi pustiso tulad ng sa yo! Ooops huwag kangmagagalit baka malaglag yan sa sahig!
11. "I am inviting all the televiewers to watch our movie "14Going Steady" on the twenty-twoth of November...."(HAY NAKU, O SIYA....) -Nadia Montenegro
12. "Sana po'y panoorin natin ang The Life Story Of JulieVega...alam kong masaya si Julie ngayon dahil it's just aroundthe corner.(GAWIN DAW BANG CHRISTMAS SPIRIT SI JULIE?)-Nadia Montenegro-
13. Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na ngapala...SNOOKY ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM THE PANEL IN SEE-TRUE
14. PBA anchor : So sino sa tingin mo Arnie ang may appeal saiyong artista natin?
Arnie Tuadles (SLN): Si JEN siyempre!
Anchor: Sinong Jen?
Arnie T: Si JEN SABURIT.
15. SA GERMSPECIAL...debut ni Janice de Belen!
Kuya Germs: Happy Birthday Janice, Ana, may sasabihin ka pa?
Ana Margarita Gonzales (sister ni Kring-Kring): Ilan taon ka nangayon, Janice?
16. Lydia immediately after winning against PT Usha of Indiafor theCentury Dash.in 1984 Asian Games.
Reporter: What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending.
Lydia: OO nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast!
17. Joey de Leon: Ano sa tingin mo ang katangian mo na iba samgakalaban mo?
Miss Gay Philippines Contestant: Unang-una, isa akong tunay naBabaengPilipina na handang maglingkod sa bayan. Alam ko na ang isangGay na katulad ko ay maaring maging halimbawa sa lipunan. OOnga kami'y pinagtatawanan subalit may karapatan din naman kamingmabuhay para hindilamang sa sarili kundi para sa mga taong aming mapaglilingkuran.
Joey: So Ano nga ang katangian iba sa iyo?
Contestant: Palangiti ako.
For Sale - Murang-mura - Kaya Lang ... (CLASSICS!! haha!)
1) Eyemo (3 pesos lang) gamot sa mata w/ 2 variants:pwedeng de-roll-on o kaya e de-spray.
2) Flashlight (5 pesos lang),solar-powered
3) Swatch watch (10 pesos lang),kaya lang ang batterya e batterya ng kotse.
4) Dictionary (5 pesos lang),mga 500 pages pero di naka-arrange alphabetically.
5) Computer Keyboard (20 pesos lang) brand new,2 klase: japanese or arabic characters yung nakalagay.
6)Electric Fan (10 pesos lang),ang elesi ay elesi ng helicopter.
sign on a DPWH excavation along the road: "Slow Men Down Working"
Along Sumulong Hi-way in Antipolo: EAU de TUBIG (Bottled waterstore)
Plate No. of one Pajero: STOLEN PLATE (Meaning somebody stolehis plateno. But it means otherwise to me!)
Ilaw ng Tahanan
Anak: Inay, Inay, tulungan po ninyo ako sa aking Assignment.Ina: (Aburido dahil maraming ina-asikaso) Ano ba iyon, Anak,bilisan mo ang pag-tanong at marami pa akong gagawin. IyangTatay mo hangga ngayon wala pa, wala pa tayong isa-saing.Anak: Eh, Inay sabi po ng titser namin ay ang Ina po angIlaw ng tahanan, tapos ang tanong niya ano po raw ang tawagsa Ama.Ina: (Aburido parin) Sabihin mo diyan sa Mam mo ang Amaay....Tiga Pundi ng Ilaw.
May isang Americano na umuwi ng Pilipinas para makilala niyaand penpal niya ng personal. Paglabas niya nang airport,nag-take siya nang bus na papunta sa lugar ng kaniyangka-penpal at sinabi niya ang address sa konduktor ng bus.
Pagdating doon sa lugar, huminto and bus at bumaba angAmericano. May nakita siyang bata na naglalaro sa kanto.Nilapitan niya ito at ipinakita ang litrato ng kaniyangpenpal.
Tiningnan ng bata ang litrato at agad na nakilala ng bataang babae.
"Si Ate Marissa, 'yan, eh!," ang sabi ng bata.
"Yes, it is Marissa. Do you know where she lives?", angtanong ng Americano
Nag-isip ang bata ng isasagot dahil hindi siya marunongmag-English.
Ang sinabi ng bata, "O.K., you liko-liko here, youliko-liko there,and then you liko-liko over there until you bundol thepader."
Nag-isip ang Americano ngayon kung ano ang kaniyangisasagot.Ang kaniyang sagot: "I didn't understand what you said,boy. Don't speak deep English, I'm only a high schoolgraduate in America."
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
The PROBLEM with MR. DRAMA
Ang mga sumusunod ay mga jokes na napulot ko sa mga kainuman ko sa kanto, sa mga dyaryong pambalot ng tinapa, sa text, sa net, at sa lahat lahat na ang tanging layunin ay iisa: ang mapasaya kayong lahat. Pasensya na if pang 18+ ung iba ha? Hindi nangangahulugan na naughty ako o bastos o horny ha? Basta gusto ko lang kayo mapatawa at ng mabawas-bawasan man lang kahit pansumandali ang ating mga problema.
Four surgeons were discussing their work:
Surgeon 1: I think accountants are the easiest to operate on, everything inside them is numbered.
Surgeon 2: librarians are the easiest. When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.
Surgeon 3: I prefer to operate electricians. Their organs are color coded.
Surgeon 4: you’re all wrong, politicians are the easiest. They are heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.
Friend: ano ba hanap mo dyan sa supot ng coffee at kanina ka pa silip ng silip jan?
Lady: Father, you’re very cute. Why did you become a priest?
Priest: Because my mother didn’t want me to become a nun. Dios ko day!
Nahipo ng isang guy ang legs ng 1 girl sa sinehan.
Girl: Psalm 127
Guy: Sorry!
Pag-uwi hinanap sa bible ang Psalm 127
Go higher and find glory…
Guy: Shit! Sayang!
If cinderella’s glass slippers perfectly fit, why did it fall off along the way? Maybe that was done on purpose. To attract the prince. In short, MALANDI siya!
Anak: inay, me regla na po ako, penge napkin.
Inay: Sige magnapkin ka para tagain ko yang bayag mo at tuluyan kang duguin. Animal kang bakla ka!
Ester: Mare, kulang pa kami ng 1 miyembro sa paluwagan, baka gusto mong sumali?
Linda: Mare, hindi pwede
Ester: Bakit?
Linda: Virgin pa kasi ako eh.
Boy: ‘Nay, muntik na akong maging top 1 sa klase!
Nanay: Talaga, anak?
Boy: inannounce yung top 1 sa klase…. Ang tinuro ni mam yung katabi ko! Sayang! Muntik na ako eh.
Wife: Honey sex tayo!
Husband: Ayoko, meron ka!
Wife: eh ano naman problema doon?
Husband: May dugo eh.
Wife: Punyeta! Ano yang titi mo? Iglesya?
FVR: Erap, may gift ako sa yo. Galing
Erap: Ows? Niloloko mo lang ako, di ako ganun
Bf: May asawa napo ako!
Ama: Paano to?
Bf: Areglo na lang po, P2M pag boy, P2.5M pag girl.
Ama: OK, pero pag nakunan now, give her another chance ha?
Sir: Siyempre ikaw!
Yaya: Hay! Nalilito na talaga ako. Sabi naman ng driver natin si ma’am daw eh.
Pepe: Bilib ako sa pamilya nyo! Ang hilig nyo kumanta pag nasa loob ng banyo!
Jose: Kailangan ko pre!
Pepe: Aba’y bakit naman?
Jose: Walang lock banyo naming eh.
Sa mall….
Mom: Anak, wag kang bibitaw sa palda ko, para di ka mawala.
Anak: Opo!
2 hours later…
Mom: guard! May nakita ba kayong batang may dalang palda?
Dami pala blessings pag matanda!
May SILVER sa buhok, GOLD sa ngipin, STONES sa kidney, SUGAR sa dugo, OIL sa mukha at GAS sa tiyan! Grabe! You are so blessed! He he
Marcos: Nung baby ako, gatas ko LACTUM!
Cory: Ako, ENFALAC, Mahal yun!
Ramos: ako, LACTOGEN, kaya matalino ako!
Erap: ….Ako?.... ah ako yata eh.. lac…LACTACYD!
Dracula asked God “can you please reincarnate me into a white angel with wings but still suck blood?” God said “OK” and turned him into a SANITARY NAPKIN with WINGS!
When the clerk of court read the case against him, the accused shouted: “Tang ina nyo lahat! Wag kayo magbintang, isa lang ang nirape ko, bakit PEOPLE OF THE PHILIPPINES na ngayon?
I gave your number to my Chinese friends so you can share your green jokes to Mr. Oh Tung Kho, Ms. Po Kee Co, Mr. Kang Tu Tan, Ms. Chu Pah Mu Sia, Mr. Lee Buh Gan….
Pag tubig tumigas – YELO…
Pag pawis tumigas – LIBAG…
Pag sipon tumigas – KULANGOT…
Pag luha tumigas – MUTA…
Pag titi tumigas – TAKBO…
IYOT na yan…
An arab was interviewed at
Arab: Abdul Asiz
Arab: Six times a week.
Arab: Doesn’t matter. Sometimes even camel.
Arab: Yes, cows and goats, too.
Arab: Hostile, dogstyle, any style.
Arab: No deer. They run very fast!
4 miracles of a woman
a. getting wet without taking a shower
b. bleeding without getting hurt
c. giving milk without eating grass
d. making boneless flesh hard
What is the most sensitive part of the body while having sex?
Answer: Ears… because it can easily hear footsteps coming.
Research: Men are healthier than women because men get fresh milk, 2 papayas and a juicy oyster every night, but women only get 1 banana, 2 meatballs and a teaspoon of yogurt.
In New York, Mike Arroyo asked a prosti. How much?
Prosti: 100 dollars
Mike: That's too much! How about 10 dollars?
Prosti: No way
(the next day, Prosti saw Mike with GMA)
Prosti: See what you got for 10 dollars!
Daddy: Anak, ibili mo ako ng softdrinks.
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Daddy: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular?
Daddy: Regular
Anak: Bote o in Can?
Daddy: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o litro?
Daddy: Punyeta! Tubig na lang!
Anak: Mineral o Natural?
Daddy: Mineral
Anak: Malamig o Hindi?
Daddy: Tangna, hampasin kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tinting?
Daddy: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o Baboy?
At umatungal ng ngawa si Daddy sa sobrang kakulitan ng anak nya. he he
What is the difference among girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8, you take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18, you tell her a story and takes her to bed. At 28, you dont need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38, she tells a story and takes you to bed. At 48, you tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68, if you take her to bed, that will be a story.
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Student: Awa po ako eh.
Teacher: Bakit?
Student: Kasi po, i heard ate's bf while inside the bedroom said... baby i'll gonna eat your PUSSY! he he
Man marries a deaf girl. He says - We must work out a code: If i want sex i'll stroke your left breast. You reply by pulling my penis once for YES or 100 times for NO. Ok?
How to satisfy a woman?
Care, excite, fascinate, spoil, kiss, touch, tease, pamper, console, adore, respect and love.
How to satisfy a man?
Wala! SEX lang talaga!
What's the best and worst news a man might hear at the same time?
It's when your GF says:
Ikaw talaga ang may pinakamalaking etits sa lahat ng mga kabarkada mo! ha ha!
Pare 1: Pre bakit tulala ka?
Pare 2: Ang asawa ko kasi pre, naghire ng driver eh. GWAPO, BATA, MACHO.
Pare 1: Selos ka?
Pare 2: Hindi naman. Nagulat lang ako. Wala kasi kaming sasakyan eh! huhuhuhu
New version ng Bahay Kubo.... 123 sing:
Bahay bata, kahit munti, ang pumasok doon ay ari-ari, bulitas at talong, sinipilyo ang mani, hikaw naiwan sa kiki!
Love story ng pokpok at adik.
Adik: Will you marry me?
Pokpok: Oo, pero ok lang ba sa 'yo kahit meron akong PAST?
Adik: Oo, Ok lang! Wala naman akong FUTURE eh! he he
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